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You can get your own massage robot for the low, low price of $310,000

No, thank you.

massage robotics robot massaging a woman
Image: Massage Robotics

CES 2022 starts next week, and that means your feeds are going to be full of product launches for a while. Take the stress off with one of those launches, an AI-powered massage table with robotic arms.

The KneadBot2000 (my name, not theirs) comes courtesy of Massage Robotics and has a host of attachments to knead, roll, and push your stress away. All for the low price of $310,000.

I think I’d be stressed while robotic arms that look like they have enough strength to crush my puny bones give me a massage, but I’m not the target audience.

I don’t have $310K hidden away to purchase a massage robot, for starters, nor do I do anywhere near enough activity to warrant a deep tissue massage.

Then again, perhaps my fears about being crushed like a pretzel are unwarranted. The company says the arms are “intrinsically safe;” because of designed-in “mass, speed, gearing, and software limits.”

READ MORE: White Castle is hiring 100 robots to flip burgers

The company brochure could do with some finessing, as it sounds like they’re describing a CNC milling machine. Phrases like “such as tool-ID, location, duration, path, speed, and force” don’t really inspire confidence.

Neither does the name-drop of Google as a funder, nor as a research partner. I mean, Google removed the “Don’t Be Evil” section from its code of conduct. I really, really don’t trust any robotic arms trained by them near my posterior.

Anyway, if you want (and trust) a robot to massage your glutes; Massage Robotics is putting the device into production in 2022.

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